today, in bullet format

nice things today:
-keeping artin home from school just because (or because i don't want him to get exposed to swine flu. yes i'm doomsday like that)
-niek walking around the house singing "under pressure" and "we are the champions"
-artin kicking ass in karate, as much as artin can possibly kick ass considering he is the very defintion of passive
-making a yummy banana and walnut cake. yes, it tastes like banana nut bread. not the point.
-feeding the kids dinner at costco getting all the grocery shopping done in under an hour

bad things today:
-avisa spilling an entire box of cereal on the floor
-avisa spilling her milk on top of the cereal
-not getting much housework done (aside from cleaning up the milk and cereal--kinda)

really bad things today:
-avisa screaming because i didn't let her draw on walls
-avisa screaming because i didn't let her play in the toilet
-avisa screaming because i had to change her diaper
-avisa screaming because i was giving her food she didn't want
-avisa screaming because i wasn't giving her food she DID want

so, i've noticed the terrible twos have made a head start again with this kid. terrible twos, mouthy threes, fuck-you fours (and fives)...

sometimes, curiosity should be nipped in the bud.

nighttime reading tonight with artin quickly took a turn toward the awfully awkward. it's my fault for encouraging him to ask questions and chime in with his own ideas! so it went a little something like this:

we're reading a book. the book mentions continents. artin says all the continents used to be connected. we go to the globe. i show him how south america and africa can almost fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. he points to the north pole. we say "brrr!" he points to the south pole. i say "hey that's where the penguins are." [hmm. it looks as though this may be the turning point. so it might actually all be my fault, and not all his. interesting.] he says yes, they're there, but they're all dying. because of global warming. the ice is melting. there won't be any more snow. maybe in two years, we won't even have christmas. i tell him that christmas isn't about the cold. that it's when christians celebrate the birth of jesus christ. we start talking about the j-man. he was a prophet. did he have a mommy and daddy? hm. well. he had a mommy but not a daddy. that's why they call his mommy the virgin mary.... .... .... .... .... mommy, what's a virgin? UMMMMMM it's when someone isn't married yet. if a girl doesn't have a husband, then she's a virgin. mommy are boys virgins too? yeah, if a boy isn't married to a girl then he's a virgin. (rushed) come on honey, we need to finish this because you have to go to bed so let's just keep reading ok?

dude. wtf? this sucked on multiple levels. now only married people can make babies?? girl with boy, boy with girl?? i mean, i basically told him what every bible-thumping ignant ass here tells their kids*, minus the jesus also being God, even though God is his Father, so He is His own Son crap**...oh, and i went back and capitalized references to god...er...God so that I may decrease the risk of my blasphemous spewage sending me to hell. i'm sure there are some kids at his school that will tell him about the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

hopefully he'll hang out with the jewish kids tomorrow.


*a small correction. i don't think all religious people are ignorant. but i have noticed that most ignant folk do more of thumping of the bible than not. coincidence? i'll let you decide for youselves.

** also, i mean no offense about the Father and Son deal. but seriously? isn't God way too great to be humanized? i think that's blasphemous. word.

another deceptively perfect day in the armpit of america

days like this make me forget the cold, the extreme heat, the humidity, the cicadas, the bats, the mosquitos. days like this make me want to stay here. i won't of course, because i am hopefully smarter than that. but if every day was like this...this place would be called california. so never mind. i didn't take any pictures, because i was too busy being lazy outside reading my book. but the kids played on the awesome waterslide, ate pizza, rode their bikes...then we looked at all the nice cumulus clouds and saw deer, sharks...the day basically entailed all the cheese of suburban life. i mean, do you HEAR the birds tweeting or what?

after the kids went to bed, i spent an inordinate amount of time looking at houses in palm springs. not particularly because there is anything special in palm springs (i mean aside from 360 days of sun, palm trees, blue skies, lots of cool gay people...) but because damn there are some stunning homes: mid-century modern, wall-to-wall glass, views of the mountains, resort-worthy pools...it's fun looking at the pictures. never mind that i don't really stay within our intended budget but whatever. details!

here's an old video

i came across this video from last summer. how bald was avisa?? compared to that, she has gorilla hair now!

i mean...seriously.

ok, YOU tell me what i'm supposed to think.

artin, who is affectionately referred to as the little professor by most people in his life, will often ask me questions about life, science, the enormity of the universe...always with some numbers and facts stuck in there.

niek, on the other hand, asked me last night if his poop was going to be brown forever.

monkey.

i don't lie when i call my kids monkeys. i have proof. and now, so do you. don't ask me what a cat-monkey is. also, don't ask me what kind of drugs he's on, because i don't know and the boy is
1. not talking and
2. not sharing.

when the whine becomes intolerable...

...chances are the kid is really, reeeallly sleepy.

a few nights ago, niek started having mini-tantrums, which, after about 10 minutes, turned into a full-blown meltdown* that had me more flustered than i had been before. (i'm usually pretty meltdown-resistant-- it normally doesn't affect me and i go about my business until the kid doing the melting stops...because seriously kid, you need to quit that shit.)

anyway, so picture this. niek going nuts. me asking "what the fuck is wrong with him???" me saying "niek go sit down so you can eat." niek leaving the kitchen.

and then literally, within 30 seconds, i see this:



awww nieky!! i felt bad for a second, but then i got over it.


*mini-tantrum: slight whining, still able to communicate why unhappy, though doesn't get appeased with much unless it's contraband of some sort. in niek's case, contraband=anything involving sugar and artificial colors/flavoring.
meltdown: whining reaches nails on a chalkboard equivalence. kid is on the floor kicking and crying--although i think it's more of a shrieking--and even the contraband is no longer good enough. ie: I DON'T WANT BLUE M&M I WANT A LELLOW ONE!!! that type of thing.

mother-in-law's tongue pasta

i bought the prettiest pasta at world market a loooong time ago, before they went out of business here in cincinnati. it's called mother-in-law's tongue, and i don't know why but maybe because it's colorful and curly? no clue. after i bought it, i never actually did anything with it, because i wasn't sure what to cook it with. i thought it would be good with vegetables like zucchini, squash, tomatoes and whatnot, but to be honest i don't really have the patience to peel and fry all of those. and really, i was just intimidated by the prettiness of the pasta. don't believe me? look at it:

still have doubts? behold the beauty of this single strand.

amiright or what???

so anyway...the cool/pretty factor, along with the fact that i don't know if i'll be able to find this pasta again (at least here in cincinnati, because world market is out of business. PAY ATTENTION!)...and you get why it sat unopened for months on end (and if you don't, then you probably don't have problems with ocd.)

but today i was inspired to finally open the package, cook it, and make something fabulous. because nothing beats the depressing sunday blues like some good grub. so i took the big leap and boiled the pasta. it lost its vibrance, and had i anticipated that, there would have been the slightest chance i would've cooked it sooner. anyway, i threw some garlic, scallions, rosemary, lemon juice, shrimp, thyme, saffron (just a little), and olive oil in a pan, mixed it all together, and stared at my pretty little dish. shortly thereafter, ario and i attacked it.

YUM.

another view, up close and personal:


and in case there was any doubt about my awesomeness, i also made banana nut muffins with walnuts...i know!!!

the dumbest egg hunt in the world

our neighborhood had an egg hunt today, courtesy of the police association. it was at a park about 4 driving minutes away, so that's the only reason i didn't punch someone in the face*.
we get there, there's the easter bunny, music is playing...i'm thinking it'll be a pretty cool shindig.

there were three age groups: 1-3, 4-6, 7-10. artin, niek, and niek's friend, xavier (my future daughter-in-law), went to the 4-6 age group. ready, set, GO! about 80 4-6 year olds ran 50 yards (give or take 100 yard, no clue. i'm pretty bad with estimates larger than a few millimeters), picked up eggs scattered about, and then that was it. niek didn't even get any eggs, partly because some overachieving son-of-a-bitch parents were picking eggs up for their kids (total wtf-ness) and also partly because he had no fucking clue what the hell was going on. (if i had told him there would be candy inside the eggs, he would've ripped apart the field and killed it. my bad.)

and that was that. lame! but here are a few pics anyway.






*also because i'm not very good at punching or fighting.

and now a conversation with niek

earlier this week, i dropped off artin at school and headed to the bank with niek and avisa in tow. (sidenote: drive-thru banks? awesome and convenient.)
niek: mommy after the bank are we going home?
me: yuupppppp
niek: but i don't WANNA go home
me: well what do you want to do then?
niek: go to Target
me: and do what?
niek: buy some-fing.
me: really? do you have money?
niek: yes, i have lots of money!
me: cool...how much you got?
niek: what?
me: how much money do you have?
niek: twenty and eight-hundred forty five
me: wow, that's a lot of money. where is it?
niek: in my pinkybank.
me: well what do you want to buy?
niek: a prize for me, because i'm a GOOOOOOD LISTENER! but mommy, when mamamia comes, she thinks it's okay to have TWOOOOOO candies!!!!
me: (dramatically) she does???
niek: yeah!
(about a minute passes)
niek: mommy can i have candy?
me: nope.
niek: whyyyyyyyyyyy???? (crocodile tears ensue)
me: because too much sugar is bad for you
(a little bit more whining...then a quick sniffle to get his shit back together)
niek: mommy i wanna go see mamamia.

hmm, interesting.

avisa, want some food??

so. avisa. she pretty much eats all day. and if she's hungry, she goes from happy to tantrum in 0.05 seconds. nothing will stop her from shrieking, throwing herself on the floor, kicking her legs, banging her head on the floor--nothing, except the mention of food. her mood is a big of a pendulum if there is hunger involved. no food = exorcist baby. prospect of food = happy avisa.




do you see what she did there? she was mid-about-to-throw-herself-on-the-floor. as soon as she heard "do you want food" the little shit CAUGHT herself from falling, got up, and headed off to the kitchen, happy as a freakin' clam. drama!

a conversation with artin re: mommy and her bad, UNFAIR ideas...

artin loves numbers and math the way i love...well, sleep and food. one would think "but who DOESN'T love sleep and food" and the answer is artin. actually i don't think any kid worth a shit loves sleep, right? no offense to anyone whose kid loves sleep--but come on. anyway, i digress.

it was his turn for sharing bag today and i suggested he take a connect-4 style game called 'toot and otto'--one person has to try to spell toot, the other otto, and whoever spells theirs first wins. educational enough. here was the conversation that followed my suggestion.

artin: but mommy, toot and otto is only a two-person game
me: but you guys can get into two groups and still play. it involves teamwork! (score one point for mommy for promoting social skills and emphasizing the importance of working together! yeah!! or not.)
artin: but mommy, we can't do that. we are an odd number. there's odd kids. (lulz @ odd also meaning weird...except he meant there are 13 of them.)
me: so one team will have one more person. big deal.
artin: mommy? that wouldn't be fair. so i think we can say that's not a good idea. toot and otto--BAD IDEA. (he then continued to gesture his hands wildly and bug his eyes out at me, in case i missed just how bad an idea this was.)

i should mention that sharing bag stresses me out sometimes. it can't be a toy, it has to be educational, and it usually involves a theme of some sort. he ended up taking a book on the life cycle of trees, what with it being spring and all. even though it's snowing today. book on trees--GOOD IDEA.

visi photostream

i LOVE this little outfit on her. i think i will put it on her again and take more pictures when she's able to stand up and walk again...which btw--she was doing much better tonight with putting a slight bit of weight on her little leg. anyway, she hated the headband. and it was hard to distract her from it so in the first few pictures she kept yanking it off. how do you explain to a 14-month old that it's not always about comfort when you're a girl??

house of animal virility

13 new baby fish! i KNEW something was up when one of the black fish kept rubbing his business all over the yellow one. i think the yellow ones the only female. she's a bit of a slut, but that's ok with me as long as they keep in the aquarium.


we counted 6 at first, then as ario was cleaning out the tank, he kept finding more of them. who knows, maybe there were more to begin with, but now we've got lucky number 13! and it better be lucky damn it all!

Dx: Toddler torsional injury

took avisa to the doctor this morning just to be sure. luckily he's super old-school and conservative, so no x-ray needed, yet anyway. he said she basically twisted her ankle inward and then fell on it. motrin and rest it for 24-48 hours, and then call if she doesn't get better. it is pretty cute to see her half army crawl everywhere. she's not letting a little pain get in the way of wreaking havoc. that's my girl! in other news, i managed to get her hair into two little pigtails! major milestone for a baldy.

wtf kind of test is this?

do you ever get the feeling that you're being tested, just to see how far you can be pushed? i don't want to seem ungrateful but damn have the past few months sucked the life and energy out of me.
never mind that february was "how sick can avisa get" month...she lost 4 pounds in one month (i shouldn't say "lost"--i think she just transferred it to me) and was literally sick THE WHOLE MONTH. but then thankfully she got better and has been eating non-stop since. but then it was my turn. i caught the flu last week and was sicker than i have been in YEARS. four days of nothing but sitting on the couch, which you'd think i'd appreciate, but i couldn't really enjoy it because i was under 3 blankets trying to keep myself from shivering. i got better and thought we were over all the sickness since the weather is warming up. except earlier this week, i noticed my index fingers were hurting--the joints and bone. by the end of the day, my hands, wrists, knees...every frickin' joint in my body was aching--very arthritis-esque. the next morning i couldn't even close my hands into fists. three days of killing my kidneys with motrin, and i think it's finally getting better.
so now something is wrong with avisa's legs. she is normally the most active, hyper little kid. she doesn't walk, she runs. well, hobble-run, but still. i picked her up from school today and she was napping when i got there so i didn't notice anything until i got home. she can't walk. i put her down for a second and she screamed. and it wasn't the "hold me i'm tired" scream. it was an "ohmygod this hurts" screech. i thought she had maybe a splinter or something in her foot, but i checked and didn't see anything. i gave it about an hour, then tried to see if she would play a game of "go get [insert any random object here]" with one of niek's snakes (aptly named "Ol' Snakey"...whole other post). she got excited, clapped her hands as usual, but then when she tried to run to get it, she screamed again, sat right back down, and looked at me like it was my fault. i have no idea if she twisted her ankle or what, but it just sucks. it's times like this when i start to bargain with God--okay, make her leg okay and my joints can hurt forever, i don't care. i don't think God's a bargainer though. i just want us all to be healthy. :(